Quicksilver: the chronicles of a newcomer to the art of haiku
Quicksilver
Hg2
One Step At A Time: Learning About Haiku
By Laura Sherman
I had originally thought that syllable count was the driving force behind haiku, but after studying all the comments from my first article, I see that I was mistaken. Haiku is about poetry first.
I took the advice of my mentors from this amazing group of writers and started writing down my observations of the world around me. I purchased a little notebook and opened a new Word doc within each of my active computers, so that when a haiku thought hit me, I could write it down.
Writing down fragments of haiku, unedited ideas, really helped me. Some of these turned into haiku, while others wait for further inspiration.
Whenever I tackle a new subject, I’ve learned to take things one step at a time. John Stevenson said it best when he advised, “I would start with a bit of advice about accepting advice: let it pass through you. However heavy the hand that offers it, whatever “authority” is behind it, let it go for now and give time time to work. I imagine this as a digestive process. However good something looks on the plate, there is only part of it that can be digested in such a way as to nourish one.”
For me learning is often a layered experience, where various nuances hit home at different stages.
I decided to focus on the poetry and the essence of the moment I wanted to capture. I tried not to be too concerned with structure, seasonal words, etc. It isn’t that I ignored the many elements we discussed, but I decided to work first on finding my voice.
Here are two poems I wrote after I had absorbed all of your advice, read wonderful haiku from others and then went out into the world and observed, writing notes in my little black notebook:
abandoned ship—
giggling playground for many
hermit crabs
wispy white lines
form characters—
summer sky haiku
Had I not been thinking with haiku, I might have missed these moments.
Did I succeed in sharing these moments with you? I would love to hear your thoughts on them.
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Quicksilver is a column on troutswirl, the blog for The Haiku Foundation, devoted to showcasing the questions, ideas, and evolution of a beginner to the art of haiku, Laura Sherman. Each installment will feature some of Laura’s new work as well as her ideas and thought-processes concerning them. It is hoped that readers will respond with reactions, ideas, and advice on her work and provide feedback on how she might develop and improve her craft.
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Re: Lorin Ford’s July 21 response.
As a beginning haiku student, I found Ms Ford’s piece very informative, except for one statement. She talked about “unresolved ambiguity” — and that was ambiguous in itself to me, because I wasn’t sure whether such additions did or did not make a good haiku. The ambiguities Ms. Ford mentioned were the “hammer” and “crane” in this haiku:
rain hammers down
on the unfinished building
cranes perch
Interestingly, in “2nd Position” of Juxtapositions, posted on June 8, the fourth paragraph suggests what haiku is and what it is not, and I could not find “ambiguity” in either list.
Does anyone know of a discussion that focuses on the merits (or not) of ambiguity in haiku?
Thanks.
Hi Laura, I’m not familiar with the term ‘pivot word’ & I haven’t read the article in your link, but there is a ‘pivot line’ (so-called) in the example ku you give:
rain hammers down
on the unfinished building
cranes perch
It is as simple as this. Ls 1 & 2 make sense together:
‘Rain hammers down on the unfinished building.’
Ls 2 and 3 also make sense together:
‘On the unfinished building, cranes perch.’
The middle line acts like a pivot (or like the kind of hinge that allows a door or other object to open both to the left and to the right)
As for the nouns ‘crane(bird) /crane (lifting device/ crane) they are homonyms…words with the same spelling which have different meanings. I don’t see how these function as ‘pivots’ in the example you give, except in the sense that in the context of the rest of the ku there is an unresolved ambiguity…which crane? It could as easily be either. Without reading the article, I don’t know what the author intends, but ‘hammers down’ in itself is also ambiguous, at a stretch, since it would be possible to to approach something like thistle-down with a hammer and hammer it
I suppose.
“I also realize that I should not attempt to explain the first two lines with the last. There’s a difference between comparing and explaining. ”
This is the major breakthrough, Laura.:-) Once this clicks, you’ve mastered the biggest hurdle. You’ll begin to ‘trust the reader’, too, to take a more active part in reading, to infer meaning rather than just receive it.
Alan’s ‘field notes’ is a really useful practice to take up.
Hi Laura,
Regards examples of writing a straight prose account (not haibun) of an incident/experience.
No examples to give, but everytime I ask someone to just write normally about an experience there is always good material for a haiku.
If we dive straight into a haiku we often inadvertedly avoid the direct experience and approach it in an elliptical manner.
Also the inversions often creep in. Occasionally an inversion can work and not sound like a “Tontoism”. But if it does sound too unnatural I often suggest to students that they repeat these lines in a supermarket and see what reaction they get.
If it’s live interaction with a student (and not email etc…) I can pull on my “interview” techniques to grab some real nuggets of gold.
It’s surprising how influenced we are by Victorianesque poetry and writing formats.
So a simple written account, as close as possible as to a verbal account, works wonders.
After all we don’t converse in “Victorianesquenese” [sic] unless we are followers of Bram Stoker.
Dafne, I am always thrilled when others share that they too are learning. You know I wasn’t going for a pivot line, but just seeing if I could form a haiku with two images. However, through this creative process I see that I created a valid pivot line after all. However I need to take the dash out to make that work.
seeking inspiration
wispy white lines
summer sky haiku
I agree that the pivot words in Dick Whtye’s haiku aren’t as clear. It seems to me that pivot-words are simply puns. But as Sandra points out, they aren’t as common.
Alan, Thanks for taking the time to write in! I will try your technique. Do you have an example that you can share? I’d love to see the stages of the process!
Hi everyone!
I’ve been pretty busy doing an intensive residency using ‘renga’ but just wanted to chip in briefly.
I’ve found that whenever someone had need to provide a better or fresh draft, that simply going into a straight prose account really helped.
Not so much an ‘exploded haiku’ but just using ‘fieldnotes’ which not only provides useful accurate observations, but applies another way into a penultimate draft, and one step away from a finished haiku.
These fieldnotes prove useful whether for timestamping the draft, so a kigo or kidai can be located, but a rich source for a second haiku.
I also use reminscence techniques so that the person starts to talk naturally, and most of that naturalness can then be incorporated into a haiku (or renku verse).
Just a quick thought.
all my very best,
Alan
http://www.withwords.org.uk
Laura — re: the pivot. I do think you are very close, if not there!
On that same site, the next link down from George Marsh’s, at Elizabeth St. Jaqcues, I found this:
“often a haiku has a pivotal point whereby line 2 unites with the first line as well as line 3. Yet, the “shift” remains distinct, therefore, dividing the haiku into two separate parts — this being most important in haiku.”
So, in your haiku, you have indeed allowed the second [pivot] line to work for both the first and third lines, which are distinct (and the second line might tighter without “from”):
seeking inspiration
from wispy white lines –
summer sky haiku
and in the example you gave, same thing; the second [pivot] line works for both the first and the third lines (though I am still mulling over the “hammers down” and “cranes” as pivot words):
rain hammers down
on the unfinished building
cranes perch
I have learned so much from this discussion.
Thank you, Sandra and Dafne!
Wow, now I clearly see how this is a single image haiku. Thank you both for guiding me. Dafne, what a great article!
Sandra, I researched it a bit more and see that it is hard to find examples of pivot-word haiku. Pivot-lines are far more common and I see that they flow better.
Just to share, here’s one example of a pivot-word haiku that I found:
rain hammers down
on the unfinished building
cranes perch
by Dick Whyte (http://solarts.deviantart.com/art/Haiku-Theory-Part-1-2009-125668654). I original saw a reference to pivot-words (puns really) in a newsletter by Gabi. I was intrigued by the concept, but see that I didn’t quite get the concept.
Here he explains that “hammers down” and “cranes” are both pivot-words.
I also see that my dash kind of destroyed that whole concept.
Sandra, your example of a pivot-line is amazing. It is so delicate.
I also realize that I should not attempt to explain the first two lines with the last. There’s a difference between comparing and explaining. It still feels like a fine line to me, but I’m starting to get it.
On the summer sky haiku, I thought of this:
seeking inspiration
from wispy white lines –
summer sky haiku
One image are clouds in the sky and the other is a page with written words. Or is it still too close? And is it too much about me?
With each bit of advice you generously give me, I learn so much. Thank you!
Thank you, Laura, for being so open and responsive.
I needed to understand better Sandra’s comments on the “pivot,” and so I did some research. I found the following to be very helpful (and wonder if even I “got it” in my suggestion to your “summer sky haiku” — which, by the way, I did indeed understand your play on the “characters”).
1. http://mordenhaikupoetry.blogspot.com (there are many links for beginners).
2. Scroll to the right and click on George Marsh’s “Intro to writing haiku”
3. Click on the “Reference Section”
4. Scroll down to the “Two Image Haiku”
wispy white lines
form characters —
summer sky haiku
Hmm, I don’t see that “characters” can be a pivot (and if it were able to act as a pivot, then it shouldn’t have a cut after it – the em dash effectively slices your pivot from the other half of the turn).
Generally, pivots come in entire lines (L2) and act as a companion line for both L1 and L3, eg this haiku of mine,
every morning
starting all over
day lillies
I had read your previous explanation of why you wanted to write this haiku, but I repeat my advice that it is a single-idea haiku. L3 sums up L1 & L2, there is no progression.
L3 shows us what L1 & L2 tell us.
Hope this helps.
Hi, Sandra and Dafne!
I appreciate your thoughts and advice. I love what you both did with the summer sky haiku. You both took it in different directions and each haiku made me sigh with pleasure. Beautiful!
Since this is a learning exercise, I thought I’d share my thoughts behind the haiku. My idea was to play on “characters”. Initially I was looking at the sky, thinking of haiku and searching for interesting shapes and characters. Maybe an elephant or a lion. Then I saw what looked to me to be a Japanese character and thought it was a haiku in the sky. That was my original line, but I turned it into summer sky haiku.
So I thought that the word “character” would have two meanings and that a person might expect me to speak of a dolphin or other shape, but be surprised to discover it was the other kind of character. I had hoped to reach the ah-ha moment with that.
I think it is called a pivot word? I’m very much still learning, so correct me if I’m wrong.
Also, Dafne, I wanted to check if your comment on the hermit crab haiku was from the original or the workshopped one (we played around with it through this comment section):
children giggle
inside an abandoned boat –
hermit crabs
Does that work better or is it still too much of what I was thinking?
Thank you all for your help!
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