Greetings and welcome to The Haiku Foundation’s Fourth Renku Session: A Day of Snow. I am Marshall Hryciuk of Toronto Canada and i will be the leader of a 36-link Kasen renku. I’ve led over 40 of these linked-poem gatherings and my latest book, from Carleton Place, Canada is a selection of 15 of them, called petals in the dark.
Hi there, renku fans. We have our verse 24. it is:
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat
–Polona Oblak
“Barely moving” i liked immediately as an animal reaction to unbearable heat while the mention of “gull” associates with a seascape that can be seen to link with “the tall grasses” that were marcelled in the verse previous. Combined, the first line maintains the tactile appeal of “with a touch of her finger” but shifts from an act’s completion into open-ended motion.
As i read more closely, i realized the gull was in flight; it’s not its feathers that are hardly ruffling in a breeze or a convection current but outspread wings that are being held almost still as the bird continues to fly. This adds the complexity of a stillness-in-motion and movement-in-stillness motif that is admirable in itself but when completed by “in the midday heat” (notice: with the definite article) awakens us to the feeling that this hovering gull may embody the heat, in its vertical condition of “midday,” bearing down on us; humans, animals, plant life and all, in a constant way. Well-done, Polona; thank you.
For our next verse, we need to revisit summer one more time: 3 lines/ summery. And this time, human responses to this hottest of summers on global record are encouraged as a way of indicating we are in summer for this verse. And if you’re new to renku and have never offered a verse for linking before, don’t think twice; just respond in three lines to those two well-written ones above. I’m sure that once you “send” it’ll be much easier to get the hang of it.
Happy linking,
Marshall
A Day of Snow to Date
a day of snow
no one else
has come to the door–Marshall Hrycuik
coyote song closer
this longest night–Judt Shrode
incense lit
the scent of sage
lingers in a crowd
–Maureen Virchau
bales of the second haying
stacked to the rafters–Paul MacNeil
dust from travelers
makes its slow descent
in the moonlight–steve smolak
faded jeans, school colors
and granny’s specs to match–Betty Shropshire
facing me
a hairy bunyip points
the bones
–Barbara A. Taylor
balls of moss
exit the quaking forest
–Carmen Sterba
in the garden shop
seed packets
arrayed alphabetically
–Marilyn Potter
glasswing on the handle
of my butterfly net
–Karen Cesar
a gypsy’s forecast
uttered to the sound
of rolling dice–Lorin Ford
trick-or-treaters skip
under a new moon
–Maureen Virchau
horses’ foggy snorts
lead our morning jaunt
along the track
–Marietta McGregor
scanning an empty platform
as the train chugs off
–Shrikaanth Krishnamurthy
I sit in silence
behind the steering wheel
awhile–Paul Geiger
the ewe gently nudges
her lambs to move on
–Mary Kendall
one white tulip
in a sunlit border
glows against the green
–Marietta McGregor
another soul in the limelight
of #blacklivesmatter
–Agnes Eva Savich
Bastille Day
fireworks
extinguished
–Marion Clarke
recruitment of volunteers
for the hospice New Year’s Eve–Gabriel Sawicki
beaming with joy
the first visitor presents
a tray of passionfruit–Barbara A. Taylor
the commuter car full
of personal devices–Michael Henry Lee
with a touch of her finger
the goddess of wind
marcels the tall grasses–Patrick Sweeney
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat–Polona Oblak
sleepless
I close the shutters
on Sirius
—
– Lorin
she fans herself
with a comic book
coloured pages flipping by
hi Aalix – at least this offering attempts to link -the “flipping” pages being the wings resumed in their flapping into prolonged flight and displaying colour in the process of trying to find coolness -i’ll keep this under consideration -thanks
soothing my sunburn
in the shallows
I bump into a jellyfish
Sorry if this one is just too silly, Marshall. It is a childhood memory of a day trip to a lovely sandy beach along the coast. Ours here in Warrenpoint is very stony – but at least there are no jellyfish!
marion
not “too” silly, Marion -but pretty ‘out there’ -I saw a stingray yesterday -maybe there was a psychic disconnection
“I saw a stingray yesterday -maybe there was a psychic disconnection” – Marshall
—
No psychic disconnection, I imagine, just a cultural one. 🙂 Here’s my favourite stingray painting/ cultural connection, by Lin Onus: a dingo surfing with his stingray friend. You’ll recognise Hokusai’s wave.
http://dreamdogsart.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/07/02/michaelblog_2.jpg
—
– Lorin
the clink of ice
in the green shade
of an orangery
Can also be spelled ‘orangerie’ which I think looks prettier – and French! 🙂
the ‘ie’ is prettier, Marion -but we can’t have green again after the blossom verse’s “green” and its link in “limelight” in the next verse
the wet sand
he pats onto my skin
almost sizzles
“almost” never the greatest of qualifiers -but anyway, Marion we need a little complexity here
choosing an ice cream
sounds too much
like hard work
or ‘even choosing’?
a terrible state to be in, Marion -but i’m looking for more complexity here
serene
ash strewn landscape
one sunflower blooms
.
.
.
serene
ash strewn landscape
betrays the destruction
hi joel -first one has a “bloom” which is reserved for the ‘blossom verse’ -the second one has a volcanic feel to it that has no specific reference to summer
sun-struck in Florida
a round of bar-room games
stirs them up
.
Couldn’t resist!
sun-struck in Florida
when a round of games
stirs up the bar
actually, we were more than thunderstruck, but glad, Marietta, you’re feeling spontaneous
Is this versIon any better?
.
soft sounds of
skates circling an
indoor ice rink
well, yes, Mary, this is an improvement -but you drive me crazy with your line-endings in prepositions and articles -it’s not about counting or pacing your syllables -it’s about sculpting how English sounds into sense so it can withstand various readings and vernaculars on paper and in the cerebral ear; something for this like: “the recurring sounds/ of skates/ on an oval of ice” -“indoor ice rink” is just too leaden to work with, no matter how accurate -goes back to Stephane Mallarme telling Edgar Degas the painter that “poems are made out of words not out of ideas”
Marshall, I’ve been a poet for many years, and I do know how to write. I think that being new to renku, I keep seeing your comments to make the verses short and visually balanced. This is what I was attempting to do. I read your comments on my and on all other entries carefully and closely. I guess I missed the boat. I shall return to a more haiku-like mindset. My apologies for driving you crazy. We can’t have that.
a beer for me
and a bowl of water
for the stray
hi Marion – a little too simple for what i’m looking for here -but a great introduction for a new party game that starts “a renku poet walks into a bar . . .” (getting giddy with the heat here in Florida)MH
hahahahaha
mine’s a Guinness, Marshall 🙂
just the sight
of watermelons
floating in ice water…
Unbelievable as it may seem, I didn’t realize I’d used “water” twice until after I posted! I guess “watermelon” doesn’t even connote “water” to me. It’s just a melon that’s green on the outside and red on the inside. Ah, well.
I guess it could go
.
just seeing
watermelons
nestled in ice…
.
Anyway, it was sketchy to begin with.
yeah, i think we’re going in opposite directionswith this one, Judt -whenever you even think of ellipsis or a ”…” you’re probably losing me -i’d appreciate it though if you worked on the one about the dry spigot in Gaza for the next link of two lines though -I just couldn’t fit it in last time
I knew the ellipsis would put you off, but did it anyway…silly.
I hope I can remember the Gaza one! West Bank, I think it was…I don’t keep any records, but it’ll probably come back to me. Thanks!
ah, well, Judt -at least you didn’t just change it to ‘muskmelons’
that coconut smell
in the wine, my fish salad
in everything!
—
🙂 – Lorin
(that’s the last of it, I promise)
thanks for keeping it fun, Lorin -really, besides the sneeze at the dupl. def. art. it’s the “in everything” that rankles the most, because i remember looking up a ‘romaji-literal’ translation of this poem after I saw a 5-7-5 of it in a Peter Pauper edition for the season of Spring and found there was no ‘everything’ literally in Basho’s text; only “fish salad” that might have seemed inscrutable to the PP’s translators at that time -but i’m in gulf-coast Florida right now and can’t look it up til i get home end of next week -I guess, ‘Lorin-Marshall-and the ghost of Basho-Collusion’ just don’t make it with this link, this time
Florida! How odd: yesterday I bought an oxblood handbag at a local op, shop and hidden away in one of the pockets was a ‘gold’ key with “Florida *Sunshine State*&” surrounding a heart-shaped, double-sided picture of dolphins which spins around. (The dolphins look more like they’re flying through the air above the sea than our local ones, who do sort of ‘loop stitch’ leaps) I dream this key might open a box in a bank vault over there. 🙂
Anyway, I’m sure it’s lovely & sunny there, so enjoy yourself. 🙂
—
the dolphins
down in Florida
still smiling
—
– Lorin
Whoops: I’ve spotted the repeated def. art. you’re allergic to, Marshall
Another go:
—
that coconut smell
in the soup in my fish salad
in everything!
—
– a collusion between Lorin, Marshall & Basho’s ghost.
🙂
—
certainly orchestrates the “heat”, Barbara, but I was hoping to go somewhere else
“well, howbout that, Lorin -I would have written “in the soup, in my fish salad” for line 2 of Basho’s famous poem -so perhaps my aversion to your “on everyone” might even stem from my aversion to “everywhere” in this translation. ” – Marshall
—
🙂 well, then, here’s a collusion:
—
that coconut smell
in the soup in the fish salad
in everything!
—
– Lorin, Marshall & Basho’s ghost
🙂
(I like it, anyway)
—
– L0orin
oh yes, congrats Polona, a lovely verse.
~
just enough energy
to scrape melting tarmac
from my espadrilles
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat
–Polona Oblak
—
that coconut smell
on the beach on the pier
on everyone!
—
– Lorin
—
inspired by (& pretty obviously alluding to) Basho’s:
__
beneath the trees
in the soup, salad, everywhere
cherry blossoms!
– (Translator Haruo Shirane)
__
which I’ve loved since I first read it. 🙂
– Lorin
well, howbout that, Lorin -I would have written “in the soup, in my fish salad” for line 2 of Basho’s famous poem -so perhaps my aversion to your “on everyone” might even stem from my aversion to “everywhere” in this translation
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat
–Polona Oblak
—
that coconut smell
on the pier on the beach
on everyone
—
– Lorin
matches “the heat” for its overwhelming presence, Lorin -but it doesn’t shift us as far as your other offerings
through my windshield
the highway ahead shimmers
without water
no, Paul, I think “the goddess of wind” two verses ago takes care of a “windshield” being used as well
Congrats, Polona! Such an excellent illustration of these high temperatures. Perfect choice, Marshall. Thanks again for all your thoughtful commentary.
*
next in line
at the gelato cart
for a scoop of nocciola
.
.
translation~ hazelnut
thanks, Maureen, for the comments -this offering is interesting for its ‘foreign word’ component -but otherwise, a little too straightforward for what I was looking for here
thanks, Maureen! summers tend to be hot around the Adriatic 🙂
abandoned floaties
as he swims away
from daddy’s reach
maybe works if by escaping “daddy’s reach” someone’s escaping “the midday heat” -but not the kind of link i’m looking for here
soggy bottom boys
shovel madly against
an incoming tide
first line seems to summarize a group by their job effects, Betty -not very inclusive for our renku
shirtless wonders
lifting
her tropical depression
instead:
…
shirtless wonders
lifting
their tropical depression
or:
shirtless wonders
lift another
tropical depression
these are all sardonic comments on a personal condition, Betty -witty enough, but not for this renku
in Baltimore
the kids get a break
from the heat
can’t say “heat” again, Michael
a dry crackle
of wind in the shutters
during siesta
this is a nice haiku, Marietta -but we had “the goddess of wind” just two verses ago
Oh, yes of course ‘wind’ is there, this is so tricky! I can feel new synapses forming with every step! Write on!
seduced
by a hammock
under the oaks
“seduced” a little too ‘human laden’ a word for the respite a “hammock/ under the oaks” offers, Mary
churning peach
ice-cream crank
after crank
sounds like sweaty work, Mary, more than relief from the “heat”
going round
and round in an
indoor ice rink
interesting ‘turn-around’ play on the “gull’s wings”, Mary -but “round/ and round” seems a bit flat for our renku
Polona, yours was my favorite verse of the bunch. Congratulations.
.
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat
–Polona Oblak
.
.
sipping a spritzer
while reading
“Icebound”
thank you, Mary, appreciate it 🙂
has the ‘internal solution’, Mary -but i’m looking for a bit of complexity as well, in this link
the water
in our reservoirs evaporates
under baking sun
extends the “heat”, Marilyn, while bring in an explicit ’cause-and-effect’
if only I could fit
an arm chair
into my wine cellar
hey, Liz Ann, I like this one; the arms of the chair linking to the gull’s wings and shifting us underground as a human response -thanks, i’ll be looking at this one again
four small hands
slather aloe
on daddy’s back
sweet scene, Liz Ann, but needs more complexity
first degree burns
from our day
at the beach
extends the oppressive “heat”, Michael, while not necessarily shifting the scene
the black top bubbles
in an empty
schoolyard
just had “black” 6 links ago, Michael -can’t repeat that
she fans
with a comic book
back and forth
again, fine as far as it goes, Aalix -looking for more complexity here
a marble angel
drinking ice water
from the fountain
kind of a phantasy, Marietta, we just had 2 verses ago -without the visual props
sipping frosty beer
in the shade
of a boardwalk umbrella
fine as far as it goes, Judt -looking for a bit more complexity with this one
muffled sobs in the night
as Rhett spurns Scarlett
at a star-crossed drive-in
certainly a summer scene from my childhood, Marietta -but the link to the previous verse seems tenuous to me -and to say both “night” and “drive-in” seems unnecessary
a country toddler
with face upturned sings
in her first downpour
second line a bit too awkward, Marietta -and a kind of play off of “singing in the rain” that I don’t want here
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat
–Polona Oblak
—
sweating it out
I close the shutters
on Sirius
—
– Lorin
not crazy about the line beginning “sweating” after a line ending with “heat”, Lorin
another power cut
and they carry mattresses
onto the verandah
Proabably too ’cause and effect’ again, sorry!
this feels like a direct observation, Marietta -so thanks for that -reads a bit long though -and has that ’cause-and-effect’ formation i’m not very fond of in haiku-related writing
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat
–Polona Oblak
—
stinking dog days
in the great pacific
garbage patch
—
—
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Pacific_garbage_patch
—
– Lorin
a startling and nature-positive statement, Lorin, of the existence of a “garbage patch” that humans have heaved into our oceans and left stranded there -but not what i’m looking for for our concluding summery verse
orogeny
he mouths to himself
while others still splash
I understand “orogeny” as ‘mountain-building’, Betty -so you must mean something else by this word, such as ‘born-by-the ear’ or ‘by-mouth’ -but as it is it makes no sense to me -please explain
Well, when all the other kids are splashing in the water, there is that one odd child who always has their nose in a book…much like my much younger self in that I took great delight in browsing through my parents’ dictionary…especially loved obscure words and would sound them out. Certainly not an everyman kind of summery and probably makes no sense for a renku verse. Orogeny…just floated out of the recesses of my mind as did the memory.
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat
–Polona Oblak
—
caught in the rip
our beach toys and brand names
become rubbish
—
– Lorin
not as intriguing as your previous two offerings, Lorin
record sea temperatures
drive the Carolina flounder
to waters further north
too direct a ’cause-and-effect’ event, Marietta, however true, as far as it goes
this record-breaking year
the silvereyes migrated
weeks ahead of time
Scratch this one, please , Marshall. Although it’s the case that bird ranges and migratory behaviours are changing, the dates for the silvereyes are not ‘summery’ enough.
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat
–Polona Oblak
—
a world away
in a dream of sea turtles
and clownfish
—
– Lorin
escape from heat by dreaming -interesting option, Lorin -i’ll reconsider this one too, thanks
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat
–Polona Oblak
—
I think I know
why whales returned
to the ocean
—
– Lorin
little bit of humour here, Lorin -thanks -and in a colloquial kind of phrase -i’ll have to look at this one again, later
Nicely done, Polona!
—-
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat
–Polona Oblak
—
date palms
along the boulevard
shedding feathers
—
– Lorin
no, Lorin, don’t want to go from a “gull’s wings” to “feathers” -been avoiding this kind of close-linking the whole renku so far
thank you, Lorin 🙂
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat
–Polona Oblak
.
further retreat
of glaciers visible
to the naked eye
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat
–Polona Oblak
.
the further retreat
of glaciers visible
to the naked eye
rather than having to be measured by a micrometer, right, Carmen? -by breathing though, to me this would be ‘the further retreat of glaciers/ visible to the naked eye’ -reminds me of why i find most ‘5-7-5 haiku’ in English so annoying -they’re oblivious to the breath/line break in English verse
Marshall, It’s been 16 years since I only wrote in 5/7/5; this is a coincidence.
hair lifted free
of her shoulders
she twirls near the fan
really relies on the previous verse for the identification with summer, though, Marietta
Congratulations, Polona!
.
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat
–Polona Oblak
.
sweaty nods
greet the suggestion
of an icy-cold dip
.
Marietta
think this would be better, Marietta, as ‘sweaty brows/ nod to the suggestion/ of an ice-cold dip’ -but i think i want a ‘remedy’ more of an internal than external type; such as a drink or a food
I meant to say earlier, thank you for the editing suggestions you offer on phrasing and rhythm, Marshall, even if the verse is not to your liking for the renku. They’re very instructive reading.
thanks 🙂
on the crowded beach
her gold-tooth-smile offers
coconut oil massage, cheap
links with our gull, making it into a kind of human vulture, i think, Barbara -not the kind of human adjustment to summer i’m looking for here
with cooling moss
she dabs at folds
of her baby’s neck
hi Judt -“moss” still resounds with the “balls of moss” of verse 8 that moved our renku out of the reach of the bunyip -though that far away, I don’t want to repeat that word
burkini beachwear
simply the hottest
ticket at Cannes
like how “burkini” plays off or “ticket”, Betty -but even though it’s a nice touch, can’t use “hottest” after “heat”
thank you, Marshall, a nice surprise 🙂
you’re most welcome, Polona -MH
.
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat
.
–Polona Oblak
.
the sun tall
with us
in the saddle
.
Alan Summers
.
lovely restatement in the ‘Old West -High Noon’ mode of the th previous verse, Alan -but it still just restaets the same condition from the ground-up , rather than ‘wing-down’
Congratulations to Polona Oblak!
.
.
a gull’s wings barely moving
in the midday heat
–Polona Oblak
.
so many faces
in the roots of a tree
as summer turns
.
Alan Summers
.
thanks, Alan Summers 😉
hi, Alan -not sure we need “faces’ in the roots -nor that we need to say the word, “summer” here